Children and Self-Esteem

 بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم

This is one of the topics that many are ignorant of, yet it plays a very important role in a person's life, especially a child's life. There are many tell-tale signs of low self-esteem or low self-worth and I hope that by reading this blogpost, you get an insight into why it is so crucial for children to feel confident about themselves. 

Self-esteem is how we view or perceive ourselves. If we give ourselves a good overall passing grade, we have a good-self image and a high self esteem. But if we give ourselves a failing grade (overall, as a person), then we have a negative self-image and low self esteem. 

Sometimes we lack in certain areas in our life like driving or cooking. But if we make those weaknesses define us as a person, then we might have low self-esteem. People with high self esteem try to improve their weaknesses but don't rut in that circle of negativity. 

A Basic Human Need

Children need to know that they are loved unconditionally. Love is essential for human psychological health. Children who weren't loved by their parents grow up feeling anxious and having self-doubt rather than trusting their abilities. There are many examples where children, especially orphans are apathetic and are emotionally withdrawn due to them being deprived of love from their parents. 

There are many ways of showing love to children: by telling them we love them, by gestures and by caring for their needs. Teenagers are included as well and although they might pretend like they don't care if their parents aren't around, but the truth is, they care. An added point - to love your teenager also means to be a good listener. It's simple but quite difficult to put into practice (will discuss later). 

Some children don't like being cuddled and that's fine. We don't need to squeeze them from time to time, but a hand on the shoulder or a kind word will manage. 

If children feel they must do the "right" thing in order to be loved, they live with uncertainty, always unsure whether their emotional lifeline will be yanked away if they break the rules. This makes them emotionally dependent on their parents and makes it difficult for them to establish their own set of values because they have a constant fear of going against their parents'. Never, I mean never use withdrawal of love as a controlling technique. You are jeopardizing your child's chance of growing into an emotionally mature and confident adult. 

An Important Ingredient of Genuine Love

Respect is key and listening is one of the fundamental ways we show children that we respect them. Listening to their views, appreciating their efforts and having an "exchange" of views about the rights and wrongs is essential. Listening seems simple but takes more practice and self-control to properly acquire. We must try to talk with children and not at them. It can be challenging and time-consuming but finding the right balance can have a very big impact on them. 

I want you to imagine your child saying words like "You're always picking on me" or "I hate you." Our first instinct is to start yelling at them for 'disrespect' or reprimanding them. But there's a problem. We aren't acknowledging their feelings, we're shutting them down instead and it is not right. We can instead reply by saying:

• You're feeling pretty angry with me, aren't you?
• You really don't like me right now, do you?

If their feeling is not heard and acknowledged, then frustration is added to the original problem, leading to further tension and a breakdown in communication. 

There are three essential ingredients of Active Listening - 1) Identify the feeling behind the statement, 2) Focus on the feeling, and 3) Follow the feeling as the dialogue proceeds.

An Example: When your child says - "I don't want to go down to my room in the dark," you can affirm by saying - "You're feeling a bit scared about it, are you?"

Good listening is not just an attitude of the mind, it also shows physical attitude. One thing I found interesting is that to actively listen to a child we must give them our full attention. If we look in the Sunnah, our Prophet Muhammad صلى الله عليه وسلم would give his full attention to the person he was speaking with. Allah says in Surah Qalam Verse 4, referring to Prophet Muhammad - "And you are truly ˹a man˺ of outstanding character." If we studied his life and implemented his characteristics, trust me we would become better individuals. 

Try to keep the conversation going with open-ended questions such, "How did you feel when that happened?" instead of these:

• "You shouldn't have..."
• "Why didn't you..."
• "I've told you not you..."
• "What you should have done was..."
• "I remember when I was your age..."

Spending time with them is the foundation of everything we would like to achieve, especially parents. The more interaction we have with our children, the more likely they are to absorb our values and the less likely they are to seek approval of their peers by taking part in risky or illicit activities. 

Another important way we can show them respect is by asking for their opinion in family matters. For example, where to go for holiday or how to stop the constant bickering between two children. This kind of open-discussion and problem solving often leads to a good solution and sends them a message that their opinions are respected and valued. 

Trust your children to do the right thing. When we show our confidence in them, we provide the circumstances for them to grow to their potential. Let's say a child misbehaves. After we deal with it in an appropriate way, we should give them the confidence that they are capable of behaving well by starting afresh each day and not constantly repeating the mistake they had done in the past. 

Independence

Children love to do things by themselves. All we have to do is foster and encourage them to do tasks by themselves. This increases their confidence and self-esteem. We have the habit of automatically doing everything for them but we should try to avoid it. We also need to be careful not to inflict our own fears and phobias on our children. 

Types of Parenting

Before we look into the types of parenting, we must know ourselves. Yes, take account of yourself from time to time. Ask yourself if you're placing unnecessary pressure on your child or stressing them out in any way. 

1. Authoritarian Parenting: In such families, one parent often the father, makes major decisions about what happens in the family without consulting any other family member. Communication is from the parents to the children. It is difficult for children to develop a sense of self-confidence and self-worth if their feelings and opinions are ignored, if criticism and punishment are more common than praise and encouragement. 

2. Permissive Parenting: This is on the other extreme of the control scale where parents see their children as their equals. They are reluctant to exercise any kind of authority. For parents who are dedicated to gathering wealth, think that money and possessions can substitute for their time, which of course isn't. 

3. Democratic Parenting: This is when the parents maintain a position of authority while allowing children to express their opinions. This family encourages dialogue on issues affecting the family. In summary, we must try to avoid having expectations of them that are unrealistic or unreasonable. 

A Sense of Belonging

It is important for our psychological health that we feel valued as an individual. Teaching children about their family history and Islamic history makes them feel a sense of belonging. Young people especially those who were neglected as children, join gangs just to feel appreciated and liked. Children whose self-esteem is high don't feel as though they need to "belong" because they already know where they belong. 

Praise Them

The reasons why children need praise:

• Feel good about themselves
• Motivate and encourage them during new learning
• Help them to develop a sense of competence, and
• Become aware of their strengths as part of their overall self-concept.

To avoid showing insincerity, try to use "I" in your statements like "I think you did a really good job on that project." This shows sincerity and it's also specific. Try to be as specific as you can but sometimes, a simple "well done" helps. It really depends on the situation. Thanking your child is also a form of praise. When they do something praiseworthy, make sure to thank them. 

Some writers have said that praise can be harmful sometimes but what children really need is specific and realistic feedback on their behavior which highlights what they have done well. This kind of praise is healthy. 

There's another upcoming post about how to deal with low self-esteem إن شاء الله

Taken from this Book ⬇